originally victoria — unfiltered blog

I may not be a wife, but I know a little. I’ve watched relationships, studied God’s word, and seen the ways men and women interact in real life. I’ve seen the beauty of a woman who aligns with Godly leadership, and I’ve seen the frustration and tension that comes when hurt, fear, or poor leadership takes over. I don’t claim to have it all figured out, but I’ve learned enough to recognize the patterns God has designed, the purposes He’s placed in women, and the ways leadership and submission are meant to work together when they reflect His heart.

This whole idea that women are “too dominant” and men getting irritated by that is like missing the point in my opinion. Submission doesn’t just appear on its own, submission only happens in response to leadership that is worthy. It doesn’t happen without someone creating a space that invites trust and guidance. God created women with a purpose, a design that is intentional. Her existence isn’t to compete with men, prove dominance, or control everything; her purpose is to reflect God’s character, to nurture, to partner, to bring life and wisdom into the world, to be a HELPMATE! She is made to complement, not compete, to carry influence through care, and strength in ways that honor God’s design. However, if you don’t give her anything to submit to—if you’re passive, inconsistent, selfish, or lack vision—what is she supposed to do? It’s hard for a woman to be in submission with a man who has no mission. Naturally, she’s going to take charge, make decisions, and carry the weight of the relationship. When a woman steps into dominance without a man leading well, it’s not rebellion—it’s her natural response to fill a void, to steward what God has placed in her, and to act in alignment with her God-given instincts. Submission isn’t about weakness or passivity—it’s a natural alignment with leadership that is worthy, that reflects God’s heart, and that gives her something meaningful to respond to.

Biblically, this is exactly how God designed it. Ephesians 5 talks about wives submitting and husbands loving sacrificially. It’s not about control, it’s about a structure of trust and integrity. Submission is a response to leadership that is loving, consistent, and God-honoring. Without that, submission isn’t possible, it’s meaningless. Boaz’s integrity and protective nature made Ruth feel safe and respected. His honorable leadership created an environment where Ruth could respond with trust and respect. Submission flows when leadership has integrity, not when it’s forced.

So if you’re asking why a woman is “too dominant,” the real question is: are you leading like Christ? Are you creating a space where submission is safe, respected, and meaningful? It’s a gift, not a given. Without strong, humble, sacrificial leadership, dominance is inevitable, because someone has to carry the weight. Men who want a submissive partner have to earn it. They have to show that their leadership is worth following, or else they shouldn’t be surprised when a woman steps up and takes charge.

Now listennnn, the reality is not all women respond the same way, and even with a Christ-led husband, sometimes a woman can still come across as dominant. The way a person acts always has a deeper underlying purpose. It’s not alwayssss about rebellion or trying to control—sometimes it comes from a place of hurt. Past trauma, being belittled, feeling unheard, or believing she isn’t worthy can all shape the way she interacts in a relationship. When a woman carries these wounds, she may feel she has to take charge to protect herself or to make sure things get done, because deep down she doesn’t trust that others will show up or follow through.

Hurt can root from many different places. It can make her guarded, controlling, defensive, or overly independent. It can also make submission feel unsafe, even when she wants to align and follow a loving, Godly leader. This is why patience, grace, and understanding are so important in marriage. A Christ-led husband isn’t just called to lead with strength—he’s called to love in a way that heals, affirms, and restores trust. Over time, God-honoring leadership can help her lay down her defenses, learn to trust, and respond to leadership in a healthy way, BUT it takes consistency, empathy, and spiritual maturity. In other words, dominance doesn’t always mean a woman is disobedient or ungodly, it can be a signal that something inside her needs attention, care, and the reflection of God’s love through her husband’s leadership. And just as her hurt can show up as resistance, a husband’s wounds can show up as frustration, impatience, or a temptation to lead harshly instead of lovingly. That’s why both husband and wife need Christ at the center. Marriage is not a place where one person is “fixed” by the other—it’s a place where two imperfect people learn to reflect Jesus to one another. We know we can’t “fix” one another—we aren’t Jesus. We aren’t the Savior, and we aren’t meant to be each other’s source. That role belongs to Christ alone. But in marriage, we can encourage and support one another in a way that helps us live from the overflow He already provides. When a husband leads with humility, prayer, and gentleness, he creates a safe space for his wife to let her heart breathe again. And when a wife responds with openness, respect, and honesty, she reinforces and encourages his calling to lead well. This is the beautiful tension and harmony God designed: two people growing, healing, and sanctifying one another through love. True biblical leadership is never about power—it’s about responsibility. And true biblical submission is never about losing oneself—it’s about trust, unity, and partnership. When both are rooted in Christ, they stop being burdens and start becoming blessings.

And this is why we have to be clear about seasons and purpose. Dating is for discernment. Marriage is for covenant. Sex is for marriage. Each stage has a divine boundary, and when those boundaries are blurred, confusion, hurt, and misplaced expectations follow. Dating is not where submission is demanded—it’s where character is observed. It’s where a woman discerns whether a man is consistent, prayerful, emotionally mature, and capable of leading with integrity. It’s where a man discerns whether a woman is wise, respectful, emotionally healthy, and aligned with God’s design for partnership.

Marriage, on the other hand, is covenant. It’s not about feelings—it’s about commitment before God. Covenant says, I choose you even when it’s hard. I will lead with love. I will respond with trust. And sex belongs within that covenant because intimacy without commitment creates attachment without security. When sex comes before covenant, it often accelerates submission where discernment should still be happening, or creates dominance as a woman tries to secure what hasn’t yet been promised. God’s order is protective, not restrictive.

Love is always rooted in holiness, respect, and obedience to God. If love pulls you away from God’s order, pressures you to compromise your convictions, or demands submission without responsibility, it’s not biblical love—it’s emotional attachment. True love reflects God’s character. It honors timing. It respects boundaries. It values covenant over convenience and obedience over desire. When dating is treated like marriage, people expect submission without safety. When marriage is treated casually, leadership lacks weight. And when sex is separated from covenant, wounds form that later show up as fear, dominance, or mistrust. God’s design brings clarity: discern first, covenant second, intimacy within commitment. That order creates peace, safety, and the environment where healthy leadership and willing submission can actually thrive.

Healing takes time. Trust takes time. Unity takes time. But when a couple commits to walking in grace, accountability, and spiritual growth together, the walls come down. Love deepens. Peace grows. And slowly, the marriage becomes a reflection of Christ’s heart—strong, tender, patient, and full of redemptive love.